Do you ever have that feeling you are behind on life? Like you are missing out on something? I am 19, healthy, happy and chasing my journalism dreams. But somehow it always feels like something is missing, like I’m not “complete”.
You see, I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been kissed. I have been in love, or at least I think I was.
When I was twelve, before I went to middle school, I cried myself to sleep night after night, because I was scared of what was ahead of me. A big unknown world. To top that, in middle school it is suddenly all about boyfriends and girlfriends and relationships in general. It seems like people aren’t even going to school for school, no, they are going there to get a boyfriend or girlfriend. That is what it felt like for me, everyone around me got into relationships. Never anything serious of course, but they did. All the boys were always interested in my friends, never me.
On birthdays you hear, “oh, still no boyfriend? Any guy you like? Don’t worry, there’s someone out there for you.” The first time it was said to me, it was a comforting thought. Now 7 years later, I want to punch the first person who tells me that.
I can’t even count the amount of times I cried over being single, asking myself why nobody was interested in me. I always thought it was me, sometimes I still do. There was a time where I would do anything to change myself for the person I liked. Even if it didn’t make me happy. I thought I had to be funnier, dress better, be prettier.
Unfortunately, nothing helped. No matter what I did and tried, there’s no way of getting rid of awkward old me.
It is not like I am desperate and “want” a boyfriend. But sometimes it bothers me that I still haven’t had the experience. I realise it is not something you force, but there are days where I wonder “what would it be like to kiss someone?” or “what would it be like to be with the one you love, hold hands, cuddle, have sex, be in a relationship”.
Recently I had a conversation with a few other students, I don’t remember exactly how we got to talk about it, but I ended up confessing that I had never kissed or ever had a boyfriend. And they were surprised, everyone “expected” me to have at least kissed someone.
That is what bothers me. At a certain age, people just expect you to have kissed someone, they expect you to have had sex already, to have had at least one relationship or what not. Sometimes people say “go out, go kiss a random guy” and I think, no, that’s not something I would do. It’s just not who I am.
I wake up during the night, I turn around and see an empty left side of the bed. Whenever I am feeling a bit rubbish, I wish there was someone there next to me who I could cuddle, make me feel safe. In case you hadn’t noticed, I can be quite a clingy person. I love holding hands, hugging, cuddling. It is those little ways of showing someone affection, comforting them.
Like I said, it feels like something is missing, like I am incomplete and I can’t fix it myself. I read that maybe that’s how we know when we find our soulmate, our true love. You are whole again.
Until I find that person, I will keep daydreaming about what my soulmate is like. Hoping he is wondering the same thing.